memories – sparkledame

Monster

I miss you.
At least I think I miss you.
Though sometimes I wonder if I’m confusing you with someone else, like a man from a novel or a poem.

I’ll remember feeling adored by you, it felt so good. Only then I’ll realize that it wasn’t me who felt adored, it was Keira Knightley’s character in that classic mid-90’s period drama. She was adored by that lanky guy with the swoop-y hair. It wasn’t me.

There is such deep grief in remembering, even in the fake memories there is deep grief.

Why haven’t we developed a machine to excise grief from our psyches? We could go to a Wellness Spa and get Reiki, followed by a Blue Algae Facial and then a session of Grief Excising with Lily, the Nurse Practitioner. She would gently rub a rose gold wand over our cranium. The grief would be sucked up and out the wand and Lily would then tap gently on a triangle signaling the end of our session. Grief Excising would probably have to be done every 3 months, like botox. Wait too long or miss a session and risk having your psyche saturated again with darkness.

I miss us.
Perhaps I miss an us that never existed. Or perhaps I have slightly enhanced the memories, sweetened them. But that’s okay, a rose-tinted view is always prettier. So I guess I miss that rose-tinted version of us.

What to do?
What does one do with this kind of grief?
Write in a journal? “Dear Diary, I’m sad.”
Talk to a therapist? “How do you feel today?” “I feel sad.”
Exercise? “This long walk is reminding me of the long walks I used to take with you.”
Do Ayahuasca in the desert? “I’m so hot and sweaty and I’m not having any magical breakthroughs. I feel like vomiting and all I want to do is lie down in an air conditioned hotel room.”

Or maybe we surrender to the grief. Let the grief monster consume us, let it fucking devour us. And then if we’re lucky, the monster will spit us back out. We’ll look raggedy, like we just came off a scary ride at the county fair, but we’ll be free.

J + D

I’m walking in my favorite forest. It’s not a forest forest, it’s a city forest, but still, it makes me happy.

I see a heart carved into a tree, with the initials J + D Forever. I see many more hearts carved into many more trees and I wonder if any of the couples are still together. Did some of them marry? Adopt a dog? Visit Italy? Have babies?

I wish there was a couple update on each tree, to let us know how they fared:

Jess & Maria fell in love, married and adopted two cats. Maria had five affairs before asking Jess for a trial separation. When Jess found out about her infidelity he said: “you’re kidding me about the trial right? I mean we’re obviously skipping right to the divorce part. And by the way fuck you and I’m keeping the cats.”

AND

Mike and Robert fell in love, then out of love, then in love again and this continued for three years. When they had used up all of their therapy sessions – the ones covered by medical insurance – they called it quits.

AND

Tara & Finn are still together. They live next door to each other in a duplex and share a silver Prius and a grey Schnauzer named Marty. They can’t decide if global warming makes having a baby selfish. Would it feel like welcoming a child into the apocalypse?
“So sorry about the fires, earthquakes, heatwaves, droughts, hurricanes, tornadoes and ice storms. But we hope you thrive and live your best life little one!”
Tara has frozen her eggs until they can reach a decision.

I’m trying to remember if I ever carved my initials into a tree when I was young. No, I don’t think I did. Though there were some really cute early romances and I wish I had taken photos, (this was pre-cell phones), because my God it would be fun to look at my fashion & boy choices.

Instead of carving initials into a tree I would play the game True Love. Not sure if it still exists, but this is how you play it:
1. Write your full name + the full name of your potential love interest on a piece of paper.
2. Below the names write True Love.
3. Now the math begins: How many letters do your names have in common with the letters in the words “True Love.”
Example: Mary Ellen Brett + Eric Shields
T – 2
R – 3
U – 0
E – 5

L – 3
O – 0
V – 0
E – 5
Total: 10 + 8 = 108%
Oh My God, Eric Shields and I are meant to be! We are 108% matched together!

True Love was an early version of the dating apps. If you liked someone and you scored only 68%, it would give you pause. Although like any other red flag, we probably ignored it.
🚩

Shiny Pretty Things

Once, when I was little and my grandfather was babysitting me, I picked up a beautiful shiny green stone off the sidewalk. At least I thought it was a beautiful shiny green stone, but of course it was a piece of glass. I was wearing a yellow and white poncho which quickly became sprinkled with blood, as I excitedly showed off my treasure to my grandfather. Poor Pop, (that’s what we called him), he was visiting from Hartford and he had been charged with picking me up from school which was just a few blocks away. He scrambled to stop the bleeding as he rushed me home.

My grandmother gave him serious Irish side-eye when we came zooming in looking for first aid supplies. I still have the scar on the palm of my hand and honestly I could not love this memory more – to me it’s the funniest metaphor for life.

I still love shiny pretty things, but now I look a little closer before picking them up.

Photo by Lisa Larsen, 1953. The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images

Valentine’s Day

In honour of February 14th fast approaching, I thought I would share a few of the gifts that men have given me over the years:

1) Cocaine and tickets to see B.B. King play at a famous, but dive-y Toronto bar. I had never done cocaine before and never did it again. I thought I would die. We did lines on a rusty toilet paper holder in a sketchy bathroom – only the best for me. But, the concert was excellent.

2) A stuffed crocodile in honour of the Lacoste shirts I wore during an extremely brief preppy stage in Grade Ten. My boyfriend’s favorite sport was fencing, which I thought was quite fancy and exciting.

3) Super hideous white sneakers. We later divorced.

4) A beautiful carved wooden box that I accidentally gave away to The Goodwill. Sorry.

5) Classic diamond stud earrings. I lost one of them within the first year. Again, sorry. I now have a vintage pair that my mom gave me and I never take them off.

6) A love poem – yay! But the same night my boyfriend ended up in a fist fight with someone, so that kind of dampened the spirit.

7) Kama Sutra book. Smart man.

8) Vintage lady head salt and pepper shakers with pearl earrings – fabulous! (see photo at top of my blog page)

9) Flowers. You can never go wrong with flowers, though I’m not a big fan of red roses. I think carnations are highly underrated. I especially love buying myself mini-carnations in fuchsia, orange and burgundy – so gorgeous together and they last longer than a fling!

10) Being serenaded with Guns N’ Roses songs and an acoustic guitar. I mean, it was the eighties people!

Happy Valentine’s Day Everyone! And for the Love Of God, you don’t need a partner to celebrate! Buy yourself a lil’ something – we all deserve a treat after these last two years.

xo 😘