This is my last dance. No more dressing to impress. No more trying to please. No more making an effort to keep things sparkly.
I am resigning from my post effective immediately. I am grateful for the opportunities I’ve had to love and be loved. For the chances to be vulnerable and grow. For my mistakes and failures, of which there are many.
But I’m good now. Think of me like a fully baked cake, I don’t need to be in the oven anymore. I know you think I’ll be lonely and scared and you’re right, at times I will be. But it’s okay. Things can be hard and still be okay.
I just want myself back. I’m reclaiming what’s rightfully mine. Like stolen land that must now be returned to its owner, I have come for myself. Do not fight me, for I will win.
I feel nothing I mean I feel cold, but that’s because it’s freezing outside But I feel nothing inside Like a Stepford Wife
I look normal, I even wore bronzer & mascara today I fit right in with everyone else at the bakery No one knew that the woman ahead of them in line buying cupcakes, was actually a creepy dead robot
They didn’t realize that I let you gut me That I didn’t even put up a fight And that now it’s too late My psyche no longer glimmers psychedelically, it’s now dull – like Benjamin Moore’s paint color Cement Gray #2112-60
The other day a man tried flirting with me But when I looked him straight in the eyes, he saw my shameful truth He saw that I could no longer flirt, I’d lost the skill I used to love flirting – the beautiful, innocent kind of flirting that makes a person feel good, that makes a person feel ALIVE I wanted to tell him: “I’m so sorry I can’t flirt with you, I’m dead inside, but I would if I could”
So I walk the streets, wearing my bronzer – just a Stepford Wife out for her daily constitutional Imgine if people found out I was dead? It would be mayhem The police would be called, an ambulance too But what would they do with a nicely-dresssed dead woman roaming the streets? Is there a secret psych ward in the hospital for Stepford Wives? Maybe I should go there, they’re my people after all We could sit and drink tea and eat scones and chit chat The doctors wouldn’t even need to medicate me since I’m already dead
Katharine Ross, star of “The Stepford Wives,” 1975. (Image is part of their promotional poster)
If you fall I will catch you. Like last time? Yes, like last time. But last time was painful. It would have been more painful had I not been there to catch you. I’m not so sure. Don’t be ridiculous.
I was expecting you would catch me in a soft embrace, but it felt more like I was falling into a blanket of steel wool. Well, it would have hurt more if you had fallen to the ground. I don’t think so. In fact if I fall again, please do not catch me.
Don’t be foolish. Who says “no” to help? I’m saying “no” to help, the cost is too high. I’m helping you for free. No you are not. Nothing in life is free, including your steel wool blanket.
What happened?
Why didn’t you protect me?
I’m your spirit
You’re nothing without me, like a balloon with no air
I can’t believe you betrayed me like this
Your only job as a human was to protect me, to keep me alive and vibrant
You failed
Maybe I should feel sorry for you, show more compassion, try to understand why you let this happen
But I’m too angry
I gave you so many good years
So much Radiance. Laughter. Beauty. Sparkle. Enthusiasm. Joy. Abundance.
And this is how you repay me?
You watched as he broke me into pieces
You didn’t fight for me
You gave up
So don’t you dare assume that I’m going to get right back up and start twirling and tossing my damn glitter baton high up in the air for you
NO
Show me that you remember how breathtaking I am
Show me that you cherish me and will protect me forever
And then maybe, maybe I will come back and light up your life again
Let’s do it
Let’s jump together
Into lightness, into frivolity
I know it’s not usually where we hang out
We usually hang out in the darkness, in the heaviness
But I don’t like it here anymore
It’s sad and it’s hard to breathe
Please, take my hand and let’s jump together
No, I can’t promise anything
It might not work
Maybe we are not meant to live in lightness
Maybe in a past life we were horrible people and now we have to live in the darkness, you know like karma
But I think that’s unlikely
I think if we jumped into lightness, into joy
I think we would really like it there
We could laugh and sing and eat cake
I mean who doesn’t like cake?
Let’s try, it’s worth trying isn’t it?
Take my hand
I know my hand will probably feel weird because you’re not used to holding it
And it might be a little dry because I always forget to moisturize
But we deserve silly nights together, going to the fair and eating cotton candy
True, we don’t have an actual fair in this big angry city we live in, but think of it more like a metaphor
Take my hand and let’s just try
Let’s jump
And if you don’t like the light you can go back to the darkness
But I think I’m going to like the light
I’m ready for the light
Truthfully I’ve never liked living in this dark heavy place
I guess I should have told you that I didn’t like it here
But I felt like I wasn’t allowed to say anything
And it really is getting so hard to breathe
So please, won’t you take my hand and jump into the lightness with me?
Twirling in the park, trying to catch my light I know it’s out here I just have to twirl a little faster My arms outstretched I almost had it earlier, but it slipped through my fingers Like when you’re trying to climax but you can’t Frustration I can do this This light is mine for the taking If other people get to have their light then I do too I’m going to twirl in this park until it’s mine Like Wonder Woman spinning from her civilian clothes into her superhero outfit I’m spinning to get my version of that I mean I’ll make it my own, I’m not going to copy Wonder Woman’s look Mine will probably be a black lace dress My tiara will be made of iridescent crystals and vintage rhinestones I’ll wear over-the-knee black suede boots like the ones I had in the 80’s from Le Chateau Witch-y chic meets Urban Boho Whatever, I’ll figure out the aesthetic later on Right now I need to concentrate That light is rightfully mine And by the way that light is also rightfully yours So why aren’t you twirling in the park with me? Come join me, we’ll twirl together We need a twirling Spotify playlist I’m thinking a Kate Bush/FKA Twigs/Tori Amos/Billie Elish vibe I’m tossing my head back now because that’s what people do when they twirl, at least in the movies Though I have a bad neck so I need to be careful What will I do when I catch the light you ask? I will use the light to guide me down the path that I already know I’m meant to take, it’s just been too dark for me to follow Like a fancy flashlight, the light will beautifully illuminate my way It will also give me special powers, different than Wonder Woman’s powers, like I won’t have The Lasso of Truth Instead, I’ll speak my truth at all times, I won’t ever make myself small, I will speak my truth even if others don’t like it I’ll put up boundaries with ease: “sorry your energy is wack, I’m outta here” I’ll become best friends with my anxiety and calm her the fuck down I’ll let go of everything that doesn’t serve me, like packing lightly for a trip: I want to be the chic woman traveling with only one carry-on bag, not the frazzled sweating woman who’s checking two oversized suitcases held together with duct tape My light will laser-beam away old trauma, making room – so so much room – for me to thrive I’ll use my light to help anyone in need – so long as they have love in their heart They can plug into me and I’ll charge them – just like charging an electric car Light-infused energy will flood their body and psyche, allowing them to live with more ease & experience more joy Maybe I’ll create a lovely room for people to relax while they plug into me, like “I Dream of Jeannie’s” room – a circular purple velvet couch with pink satin pillows All this to say, that if you happen to see a woman twirling in the park don’t worry It’s just me trying to catch my light
✨Artwork by Daria Hlazatova. Find her on Instagram✨
I miss you
I miss how we were together
At least I miss the memory of how we were together
I can’t honestly say whether my memories are 100% correct
It is entirely possible that I have romanticized things, embellished things; I do have a flair for the dramatic.
But regardless, whether my memory is “correct” or not, I don’t care.
I still miss you
I still miss us
You believed in me
You didn’t want me to dim my light, you wanted me to radiate.
You wanted me to sparkle like a crystal chandelier with high voltage lightbulbs
My light made you happy
To be encouraged to shine like a fucking diamond was the most beautiful feeling
Really, I’m not interested in any other kind of love
Truth be told, there is a chance that my psyche imagined this entire relationship.
That I never had someone like you
That you are a figment of my spectacular mind
If that’s the case, then I still don’t care
Because what I miss – you, us – is what I want in my life
I don’t want anything less
I won’t settle
What’s the point?
The planet is burning, there is no time for anything less
There is only time to love in a way that allows the other to blossom from a little bud to a glorious flower.
If we all loved like that, helping each other become our most sublime versions of ourselves, we might create an energy force so powerful that we could save the fucking world.
sparkledame 