Careless Whispers

“Don’t be so careless with your life.”

“Excuse me?” Jen said, looking around for the person attached to the voice. But there was no one. The closest human was the chatty fella with the Corgi and he was at the bottom of the hill playing tug-o-war.

I didn’t get enough sleep last night, clearly I’m hallucinating.

“You’re not hallucinating,” said the voice.

“Listen, whomever you are. You’re being very judge-y, just zip it,” whispered Jen, irritated.

“I have a right to judge you, I’m God, judging is part of my job description.”

“First of all, I don’t believe in God, so you don’t exist. Second of all, I’m not careless with my life. Not that it’s any of your damn business.”

“But you are careless. You act like you have all the time in the world. You live with no sense of urgency, each day just another day. The passivity with which you breeze through life is infuriating.”

“Oh My God, leave me alone God. Why are you hounding me? I’m just trying to relax in the park on a nice day. Go away.”

Putting in her ear buds Jen chose a Spotify playlist:
1980’s Alternative.

Depeche Mode played as Jen stared up at the tree.

“We interrupt your regular programming with a message from God:”

Sighing, Jen lay down on the grass.

“Jen, you’re stuck. You need an action plan. You need to make some big changes in your life and instead you’re loafing around like sourdough.”

Jen laughed.

“That’s funny. But listen God, I’m fine – really. You can stop obsessing about me. While it’s true that my life could use a Glow-Up, I think you have bigger fish to fry. Don’t you watch your own news? Like Russia invading Ukraine. Like the pandemic. Like fast fashion killing our planet. Like your crazy people overturning Roe vs Wade.”

“Those are not my people. I’m Pro-Choice.”

“You are?”

“Of course I am. Now listen, I happen to know that you are unhappy in both your job and relationship and that you’re not taking good care of your health. This is your freaking life Jen, how can you be passive with your own life?”

“I’m not passive I’m depressed, there’s a difference.”

“So tell your Doctor and get on anti-depressants.”

“I’m already on an anti-depressant.”

“Yikes.”

“What do you mean yikes?” asked Jen feeling insulted.

“I just thought you would have more pep in your step if you were on an anti-depressant.”

“It’s not like you take a pill and then turn into Doris Day, it’s not that simple.”

“Sorry, I didn’t know. I thought it worked like that.”

“Well it doesn’t. And before you say I should see a therapist, I already do.”

Jen took a sip from her water bottle.

Eighties alternative music played for the next few minutes and Jen started to relax.

“Think of me like a Life Coach,” said God, who was suddenly back.

“Life coaches are ridiculous. They’re like not even a real thing. It’s not like Harvard offers a PhD program in Life Coaching.”

God ignored her snark.

“Regardless, I’m here to help you.”

“Fine, fine. Help me. Do your God thing.” Jen said resignedly. She didn’t have the courage to argue with a God who didn’t even really exist.

Closing her eyes, Jen said:

“I’m just going to take a little cat nap.”

“Okay, I’ll go visit that cute Corgi at the bottom of the hill.”

“Mabel, the Corgi’s name is Mabel, I just remembered,” said Jen

“OMG. What a cute dog name,” said God.

Valentine’s Day

In honour of February 14th fast approaching, I thought I would share a few of the gifts that men have given me over the years:

1) Cocaine and tickets to see B.B. King play at a famous, but dive-y Toronto bar. I had never done cocaine before and never did it again. I thought I would die. We did lines on a rusty toilet paper holder in a sketchy bathroom – only the best for me. But, the concert was excellent.

2) A stuffed crocodile in honour of the Lacoste shirts I wore during an extremely brief preppy stage in Grade Ten. My boyfriend’s favorite sport was fencing, which I thought was quite fancy and exciting.

3) Super hideous white sneakers. We later divorced.

4) A beautiful carved wooden box that I accidentally gave away to The Goodwill. Sorry.

5) Classic diamond stud earrings. I lost one of them within the first year. Again, sorry. I now have a vintage pair that my mom gave me and I never take them off.

6) A love poem – yay! But the same night my boyfriend ended up in a fist fight with someone, so that kind of dampened the spirit.

7) Kama Sutra book. Smart man.

8) Vintage lady head salt and pepper shakers with pearl earrings – fabulous! (see photo at top of my blog page)

9) Flowers. You can never go wrong with flowers, though I’m not a big fan of red roses. I think carnations are highly underrated. I especially love buying myself mini-carnations in fuchsia, orange and burgundy – so gorgeous together and they last longer than a fling!

10) Being serenaded with Guns N’ Roses songs and an acoustic guitar. I mean, it was the eighties people!

Happy Valentine’s Day Everyone! And for the Love Of God, you don’t need a partner to celebrate! Buy yourself a lil’ something – we all deserve a treat after these last two years.

xo 😘