“Make sure it’s exactly half and half. Half Pomegranate, half Original flavor. Last time it was 3/4 pomegranate. And go to the Pinkberry on Montana Ave, it’s the only one I trust.”
“My new Ferragamo loafers have to be dropped off at Roberto’s, he needs to put a protective sole on them. You do that with expensive shoes. But I guess you wouldn’t know that, you wear Nine West, I mean no offence, but…”
“Non taken.” you privileged narcissist bitch
“At Whole Foods get me the snap peas and sesame tofu and a ginger kombucha. And Jett needs to eat too…maybe the barbecue chicken, potato salad and some kind of cupcake. Large containers for him, small containers for me.”
“Can I get you anything else while I’m out?”
“No that’s all. Except gas, you know I always like my gas topped up to 100% full.”
“I sure do.” you freak
In the Range Rover Emily cranked KCRW then let out a death-metal loud scream:
She chewed CBD gummies as she ran errands in Santa Monica. Using voice memo she left notes for herself for the screenplay she was working on. It was about a personal assistant who falls in love with her boss’s 18 year old son and the two of them plot to kill his mother.
Her phone rang.
“And it goes without saying don’t forget to pick up Jett from school at 3:00. I gave you snacks for him, they’re already in the car. Gotta go, my acupuncturist is here.”
God it would be so fun to stick needles in you
“I’m on my way to pick him up now.”
“Get in loser we’re going to Taco Bell. I mean unless you want this rotting apple, melted cheese sticks and nuts that you mother packed for you.”
“Why the fuck does she pack me the same snack every single day?”
“And the nuts are always from Starbucks.”
They laughed as they pulled into Taco Bell’s drive-thru.
“How do you eat this five days a week? It’s gnarly.”
“How do you work for my mom five days a week? SHE’s gnarly.”
They drove a couple blocks and stopped at a park where Jett liked to eat outside so he could smoke a little weed before going home.
“So was school scintillating today? Did you finally talk to Ben? Are you guys ever going to get together?”
“We hung out for like a minute at lunch. His parents are going away this weekend so he’s having a party. I’m gonna feel the vibe out then.”
“Cool. But just be careful and safe and all that shit. Your crowd is wild, you know that right?”
“Don’t worry Mama Emily, I won’t do anything other than weed, I never do. It’ll just be dope to spend some time with Ben. It’s not like I can have him over to the house, Mom would lose her shit.”
“Honestly Jett, I don’t think she would. Your mom fucking loves you. I mean she packs you after-school snacks every damn day and she does it herself. I know she drives you nuts, she drives me nuts too. But when it comes to Ben she would be okay, trust me on this one.”
“Ok, I’ll think about it…want some? Jett offered Emily his joint.
“No, I’m good. I gotta get you home and we need to pick up Pinkberry for your mom.”
He took a final drag and tossed his Taco Bell wrappers in the garbage.
In the car Jett blasted Led Zeppelin, they were his newest obsession. They drove with the windows down with Jett’s right leg sticking out and his shoelace blowing in the breeze.
“Want anything at Pinkberry’s?”
“Maybe like a bowl of those rainbow colored toppings, no yogurt, just the toppings and some gummy bears and chocolate chips too.”
“Can’t tell that you’re high at all.”
Jett gave her the peace sign, put on his Warby Parkers and turned up the music.
“I love living in Southern California” said Jett as he ate his bowl of Pinkberry toppings. “But like when I go to college, I want to go far away. I guess like New York? I mean where else is there to go?”
“Don’t be so elitist.”
“What do you mean? I’m not elistist. I feed the homeless once a month.”
“Los Angeles and Manhattan are not the only cool, interesting cities in the U.S. Think outside the box. Maybe The University of Texas in Austin. Austin is super cool and liberal. Plus, I think it would drive your parents crazy if you went to college in Texas, so there’s that added bonus.”
“Love that idea, gonna research it tonight, thx Em. By the way, what happened with that guy Ron?”
“His name is Jon and I’m not dating him anymore.”
“Why? He sounded like halfway cool.”
“He has a pet rabbit.”
“What? Who the fuck has a pet rabbit?!”
“But wait, there’s more. We were watching Netflix and the rabbit, whose name is Stacey, sat next to him the whole time on the couch. And he petted her over and over and over. Like OCD petting. Like I’m surprised she has any hair left petting.”
“Jett, I shit you not. That damn rabbit sat with us for two episodes of Designated Survivor and I swear to God she was giving me side-eye the whole time, like “get away from my man” kind of energy. So so epically creepy.”
“That’s wack and you can never ever see him again. That dude would for sure chop you up and feed you to Stacey and then mom would have to hire a new personal assistant.”
“Thanks for the love Jett.”
“Alright, let’s do this, pop some gum because you smell like hot sauce.”
“I’m on it.”
“Emily where have you been? You’re late! We’ve got to go over next week’s calendar before you leave. Next week is challenging. I’m hosting a small dinner which I forgot to tell you about. I’ll pay you time and a half of course. Jett did you eat your snack? How was school? How was that wretched Mrs. Taylor? I’m going to talk with your principal if she doesn’t start treating you better.”
“Hey mom, what’s up? Mrs. Taylor is all good man, nada to worry about.”
“Half hour of video games then homework. I don’t want you up half the night finishing your math. And call your father. You didn’t call him yesterday and he was livid. Livid.”
“My yogurt is melting, give it to me Emily. After you put everything away meet me in my office. I am just so stressed. I mean I just have too much on my plate, what with hosting dinners and appointments and Jett and planning the new guest cottage. It’s simply too much. Women are expected to do too much in our society, it’s not fair. And bring me a glass of Rose, there’s a bottle chilling in the fridge, I need something to take the edge off.”
Wow. Just wow.
“Okay, I’ll be right there.”
After putting the groceries away Emily went into Mrs. Jeffries’ Birkin, grabbed a few Ativan and slipped them in her pocket. Then she poured her a glass of wine, taking a few sips for herself first.
“Emily? I’m not getting any younger.”
Sent from my iPad