“Oh for the love of God, I don’t want to go to this bridal shower today. Why do I have to? Steven – why do I have to go to this godforsaken shower?”
“You owe me,” yelled Steven from down the hall. “I went to that hideous work event with you so now you have to go to my partner’s third wife’s bridal shower.”
“But she’s a nightmare! Major narcissist, faux listener, gossips 24/7 & only wants to talk about her farm to table lifestyle blog – which by the way is hilarious because she doesn’t even cook, so what exactly is she bringing from farm to table? She’s going to be a horrible mother, just horrible.”
“Why don’t you write that in her card, I’m sure she would love those words of support.”
“Very funny. That whole group are like the Nouveau Millennial Stepford Wives. And I just ‘can’t’ with the beige theme. I mean the invite actually said “Must Wear Beige” – who does that? And you know how washed out beige makes me look.”
“It’s a rough life hon, I feel for ya,” Steven said as he skipped down the stairs.
“Okay, focus Susan focus. I know I have a light caramel shift-dress in here somewhere, that will have to do. And my cream vintage sweater with the sequins and rhinestone buttons, that’ll look good together.
“I’m downstairs, what?”
“These girls are very minimalist, can I get away with rhinestone buttons and sequins?”
“Have you lost your mind? You are a grown-ass woman, wear what you want! As long as it’s not hot pink or lime green, you’ll be fine. I mean you’re twice the age of these women, so who cares?”
“Nice. Thank you for reminding me that I could me this woman’s mother. Like I’m not feeling ancient enough. They’ll all have that perfect glow-y skin & thick eyebrow-look and I’ll just be sitting there like their plump grandma wearing a loud sparkly sweater.”
“Actually I think her grandma and her mother are going to be there, so you can hang out with them if it makes you more comfortable.”
“So funny I forgot to laugh. I’m going to murder you.”
“How? How are you going to murder me.”
“I can’t tell you, it’ll ruin the surprise.”
“Ha!” Steven said as he rounded the corner into their bedroom with a glass of wine for her.
“Drink this, it’ll make you feel better and I’ll bring you over so don’t worry about driving.”
“Thanks,” Susan said as she took a large sip.
“You can add some lip balm to your cheeks to get that glow-y look you mentioned. I read about it in The New York Times Style Section.”
“You read a beauty article about using lip balm on your face?” Susan asked.
“Yep. I know you’re not a huge fan of makeup and beauty stuff, but some of these products are amazing! Last week I bought a facial exfoliating cream and I love it. My skin looks brighter and it’s softer. Not that you ever noticed.”
“I feel like I don’t even know who you are anymore.”
“By the way, don’t forger her name – it’s Astamaria – last time you called her ‘Astralmaria.’”
“I did not, you are such a liar!” Susan said laughing.
Steven kissed Susan’s neck and whispered, “don’t let those gals get to you, you’re my Queen and you’re beautiful as fuck!”