“I’m nervous about tonight.”
“Why? I thought you really liked this guy, despite his name being Blane.”
“I do like him, I like him a lot. But tonight he’ll see me without my ponytail.”
“What are you’re talking about?”
“Every time we’ve seen each other I’ve had my hair up in a ponytail.”
“So?”
“So I think tonight might be the night that we sleep together, like for the first time.”
“YAY! I’ll need all the details.”
“But the thing is, with sex the hair usually comes down right? Like the whole messy bed head sexy girl thing. I can’t be having sex with my hair in a tight ponytail.”
“For the love of god, what are you trying to say? Is ponytail code for something?”
“When my hair is up I have a nice tight face, I look ten years younger. But take the ponytail away and my face falls down and I have jowls. It’s not a good look.”
“You’ve been in therapy for ten years and yet this is where your self-esteem is at? Your shrink owes you a refund.”
“I know it’s ridiculous, don’t you think I know it’s ridiculous? But with my hair up I feel like a chic forty-something conquering the world and with my hair down – and my face down – I feel like I should be buying longterm care insurance.”
“Okay first of all, you’re a total freak. Second of all, Blane is not going to notice your imaginary jowls, he’s just going to be psyched that you’re letting him inside your body.”
“Or, maybe the minute my hair and face come down he’ll scream in terror and bolt.”
“I never realized how deeply insecure you are, it makes me sad. But also, fuck all the way off with your tight face bullshit. You’re the one always posting ‘Down With The Patriarchy’ on Instagram, meanwhile you’re worried a man named Blane is not going to want to fuck you because of sagging skin? And I’ve seen photos of Blane – it’s obvious the dude enjoys his craft beer – so why does he get to look like a normal person but you have to look AI-generated?”
“Stop being so harsh, I’m just sharing my vulnerabilities.”
“I’m not being harsh, I’m being a good friend and calling you out on whatever fucked-up-ness this is.”
“Okay, okay, you’re right, I need to calm down.”
“Good.”
“But wait, I have an idea: what if I have sex with him but I don’t straddle him, that way I won’t be looking down – better aesthetics!”
“For the love of God, please stop talking before I strangle you.”
