“I don’t want to be choked during sex.”
“Why not? It sounds so fun.”
“No but for real. Like I should add it to my dating profile. That’s a hard no for me.”
“You’re hilarious.”
“And if the guy is voting for Trump, that’s also a hard no.”
“Then your tag line should read: “attractive 32 year old looking for a Kamala Harris-voting man who won’t choke me during sex.”
“Not bad.”
“But what if he’s super hot, can prove he’s a registered Democrat and only occasionally wants to put his hands around your throat?”
“NO. You don’t see choking in the Kama Sutra. If he can’t get off without almost killing me then I don’t want him.”
“Ya but isn’t the choking supposed to be for you? Apparently it helps people achieve heightened sexual pleasure.”
“I don’t need anything heightened, regular sexual pleasure is good enough for me. Jesus.”
“You are no fun. Last week I used a feather-trimmed whip on Jason. I was running it lightly across his chest when he started sneezing. It led to a full blown asmtha attack. He couldn’t find his puffer so I had to call 911.”
“That’s so scary. Did you return the whip?”
“I tried to, but they said it was used so I couldn’t. They wouldn’t even give me a store credit.”
“Horrible customer service.”
“That’s what said.”
“I’m meeting this guy Aaron at The Coffee Bean tomorrow, then we’re going to the Melrose Flea Market. It’s a first date.”
“Are you going to mention the choking before or after coffee?”
“When we’re at the flea market I’ll casually bring it up: ‘hey, check out this cool antique mirror and also, fyi I’m not into sex choking. Just so you know.’”
“It’s called erotic asphyxiation.”
“Sex choking sounds better though.”
“True. I’m following you on your date, I must hear this conversation.”
“I know. Whoever is standing near us when I bring up the subject – you’re welcome in advance.”
“At least this Aaron guy is pro-flea markets, that’s a good sign.”
“Agreed. Though he could be faking it. I think a lot of guys pretend to like flea markets because their girlfriends do. When really they rather be at a pub drinking a pint and watching sports.”
“But at least at a flea market you’ll get a sense of what Aaron is about. Like if he’s genuinely into collecting those creepy old dolls wearing stained dresses, then that would be a major red flag.”
“Gross. But what about me? You know I have a thing for 1970’s polyester kaftans. What if that’s a red flag for him?”
“If I were you, I would kinda dial it down and not show your obsession for dressing like Mrs. Roper from Three’s Company.”
“So I’ll just start lying to Aaron on our first date?”
“Yep. If you want a second date with him he needs to imagine you wearing something sexier than a giant mumu.”
“Your dating advice is stellar.”
“I know.”
(Photo Credit: Pinterest)
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