Advice from your beloved grandmother

Don’t worry about the floral arrangements at your wedding, no one will remember them. They’ll either be too drunk or too bored and busy scrolling on their phones.

No one cares if you have spider veins on your legs and if they do care they’re a total freak and you should run away from them immediately.

Red flags are red flags. They are not pink flags, they are not orange flags; they are a warning. If you choose to believe they are aubergine and not red, well, that’s on you.

Just because you regularly buy yourself flowers doesn’t mean that your partner shouldn’t occasionally buy you flowers too. They don’t get a free pass.

Having pets is great. Cats and dogs are lovely creatures, but they are not children. Mother’s Day is for mothers of humans, you know, those messy little people who throw their dinner against the wall and have tantrums in the middle of Duane Reade.

You don’t have to be in a relationship to be complete. Also, there is no complete, it doesn’t exist and never has. This whole “you complete me” thing is pure Hollywood vomit.

Manifesting things takes a lot of work. If you want to make a visualization board first, go right ahead. But please know that staring at images and words on a board is just staring, it’s not actually making anything happen.

You don’t have to go to every Sunday night dinner. Negotiate. Two out of four per month is plenty. They are not your family, they are his or hers or theirs. Plus, they will enjoy having the freedom to gossip about you.

If you plan on having the kind of sex that can get you pregnant, then please make sure your partner is Pro-Choice. It is insane to let a penis – that is attached to a man who hates women – inside of you.

If your partner gets upset when you want to travel with your friends without them, then you probably ignored an early red flag.

Two hundred dollar face cream is just the patriarchy laughing at you. And if the face cream company is owned by a woman named Jelilah who harvests the ingredients under a full moon at her organic farm, it is still just the patriarchy laughing at you.

Sincerely & with love,
Your beloved grandmother (who would appreciate a handwritten note every once in awhile so that I know you can still write cursive)