“Mom, why do you keep old birthday cards?”
“Because I’m sentimental.”
“But you never look at them. They just sit in a box in the basement.”
“I like knowing they’re there.”
“I find that strange.”
“I find you strange. You don’t have a sentimental bone in your body. How are you my daughter?”
“I’m sentimental, but I’m also a minimalist. I’m not going to keep old stuff, it’s very hoarding-esque. Unhealthy I think.”
“Well, I can think of many things that are unhealthy about you, including your taste in men & the fact that you lather your face with beef tallow.”
“Beef tallow as skincare is a legit thing mom, my skin has never looked so good.”
“But you smell.”
“I smell?”
“Yes, you smell gross.”
“That’s not true.”
“It is. I mean you have fucking beef tallow on your skin. Why don’t you use that nice Estee Lauder serum I bought you?”
“It’s full of toxins.”
“Jesus. You and your toxins obsession. I hate to break it to you kid, but we’re all gonna die, so you may as well use nice creams on your face.”
“You know you’re not a normal mother, right?”
“Normal is an outdated narrative. Are you still dating Devon? He’s a narcissistic prick in case you haven’t noticed. No idea why you would debase yourself by letting him into your heart and body. Have you talked with your therapist about him?”
“Talk therapy is old fashioned. I meditate, journal and occasionally do Ayahuasca.”
“So basically you sit on a yoga mat, get high and write about it. Great. Now I understand your generation better.”
“And Devon is no more narcissistic than anyone else I know, he just embraces his narcissism, he doesn’t try to hide it.”
“Wow. What. A. Gem.”
“Stop it mom.”
“Okay, okay. Why don’t you invite him over for Sunday night dinner sometime?”
“Because I don’t want to traumatize him.”
“Very funny.”
“Plus, he’s vegan on Sundays.”
“I’ll make him a nice salad.”
“We haven’t even had sex yet mom, it’s too early to introduce him to the family.”
“You haven’t had sex yet? Why the hell not?”
“Just because you were slutty at my age doesn’t mean I have to be. We hang out. We talk. We smoke weed. We walk in the forest.”
“That’s sad. I tell you kid, you’re missing out.”
“Stop calling me kid, it’s annoying.”
“Fine. Let’s pop into this cute bakery. You still eat cake right?”
“Of course I still eat cake. What kind of a question is that?”
“Oh thank God. Sex-less is one thing, but cake-less would have put me over the edge.”
sparkledame 