Choking

“Aren’t you lonely?”

“Of course I’m lonely, isn’t everyone?”

“I’m not, I’m in a relationship.”

“Last week you told me you were miserable with Mark.”

“Well ya, I’m miserable, but I’m not lonely.”

“Right.”

“You are alone alone. Like you could choke to death eating an apple at home.”

“I don’t eat apples.”

“Well, then you could choke to death eating takeout at home. We need to find you a man. You’re attractive, you’re better prepared than anyone I now for the apocalypse and you make the best brownies. Surely we can find you someone.”

“So, just so I’m clear: we need to find me a man so that he can save me from choking.”

“And so that you’re not lonely.”

“Got it.”

“This is serious. You’re not exactly young anymore. You need a partner to build a life with, someone who knows the Heimlich manoeuvre, is gainfully employed and doesn’t hate his mother.”

“That’s a tall order.”

“You use humor to avoid talking about things that make you uncomfortable.”

“The only thing making me uncomfortable is you – you sound like a Trad Wife from Project 2026.”

“I worry about you. We live so far away from each other. If something happens I can’t just stop by – I’m like a five hour plane ride away. I would feel much better if you were partnered up.”

“Even if we live in the same city you won’t be able to help me if I’m choking. I should actually transfer you money now for the cost of my cremation.”

“You’re insane.”

“I don’t want you to be stuck with the bill.”

“What about the owner of that cafe around the corner?”

“Bob?”

“Ya. He’s cute.”

“Bob smells like vinegar. Bob has never not smelled like vinegar.”

“You’re super judgemental. Smelling like vinegar just means he likes to clean using natural products. That’s a good thing.”

“A few years ago Bob told me that his cat died at home on a weekend, the Vet’s office was closed. So he wrapped her up and put her in the freezer until Monday. But then he got attached to having his cat in the freezer, he said it brought him comfort to be able to check on her everyday. So his cat is still in his freezer. It’s been three years.”

“Okay forget about Bob. Bob is a fucking freak. What about—”

“What about I stay single and chew my food really carefully?”

“Can you hear me? This is me deep sighing.”

“This is me ignoring your deep sigh.”

“You’re the most annoying best friend a girl could ever have.”

“I know, but you still love me.”

“I do, I love you fiercely.”